Embracing the Mess: Motherhood in my 40’s

Dear Diary,

I’m sure I’m not the only parent asking the universe to “Just give us a break.” Just like you, we need a time-out. A few months of peace would be awesome.

It’s been 18 months since we packed up and came home, 5 years since her therapist started us on the spectrum train, and seven years of loving the single life. In that time, I have learned so much, but it feels like I still know nothing. It took 4 years for her to get diagnosed—4 years of fumbling through the dark, begging for help, and pleading for someone to tell us what to do.

In that time, I’ve come a long way, but like peeling back layers of an onion, the more I uncover, the more I realise just how messy things have been. I’m an Aussie single mum in my mid-forties, with only one child left at home. My head is so full most days I feel like I will explode.

If there was an award for the messiest mother of the year, I’d win it hands down.

Despite my best efforts, it feels like a never-ending cycle. We put in so much work, but its two step forward, three steps back. 

I have spent the last five years with my youngest daughter in therapy. We tried everything: occupational therapy, speech therapy, doctors, CAHMS, hospital visits—you name it. My daughter is neurodivergent, and navigating her diagnosis has been an eye-opener.

Many parents will understand that feeling when the doctor asks if your child exhibits unusual behaviours. In the beginning, I found it really hard to think of anything. She was a happy kid; her behaviours weren’t unusual. She had been like that her whole life. Her unusual behaviour was not only normal but it was sounding weirdly familiar.

My baby girl only started to noticeable struggle towards the end of year two. By year three she’d start having meltdowns and crying after school. She was so young and so miserable. I started asking the school for help but this little girl was a brilliant actor and they couldn’t see it. By year 4 her school counsellor would refer her to CAMHS for the first time. 

Even after her first referral I still couldn’t anyone to listen. I had no idea what was going on, ADHD and autism wasn’t even a thought. It was in year 5 finally that her doctor suggested getting her tested for ADHD. Her teacher was horrified when I asked her to fill in the questionnaire. Her teacher instead tried to make me feel guilty, trying to convince me labelling my child was not a good thing, she told me “she was just an introvert”. 

In an attempt to understand my daughter better, I became obsessed with learning everything about teenage girls on the spectrum. I listened to countless podcasts and read everything I could find. I couldn’t believe some of the things I was learning. Things I thought were normal, turns out aren’t, and instead explained not only her struggles but mine. 

I found it easy to focus on my daughter, ignoring the songs in my head telling me to listen. I was functioning well enough with a routine, a career, and friends, so why listen to that nagging voice? (For those who understand my song, the musical that my brain plays at this moment is “Hello” by Adele.)

“Hello, it’s me I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet….”

That voice in my head begging me to listen and stop fighting it. It still took me till November 2023 to be tested. It’s now over 6 months since I was  diagnosed with ADHD and it certainly has been interesting. Today, I know that my ADHD makes me uniquely good, not bad. My best traits are ADHD-related, but so are some of my most annoying—the ones that make my prolonged company challenging for most people. The worst traits, though, honestly surface when I try to fit in, to be “normal.” 

I don’t want to be normal.

After today’s therapy session, I have more questions to confront. But knowing that about 10% of Australia’s population has ADHD gives me a sense of comfort. I may have ignored my ADHD for years, but now I know I’m not alone.

The therapist has raised a question, or is it a fact? I don’t know. I just know I’ve bloody just started with this therapist and God damn, I think she knows me and called me on my shit. Bloody hell!!!

Thankyou for listening

xx

15/7/2024