My Breakthrough Moment: Embracing My Journey

Last weeks post was supposed to be about my first day with my new therapist, but I ended up going on a tangent and letting some other stuff out. Despite that, it was a breakthrough moment for me, an aha moment, if you will.

You see, I’ve always been told that I attract trouble. In Australia, we call someone like me an “arsehole magnet.” Recently, someone evaluated me for work, and while I received rave reviews for my work skills, they noted that I need to work on the type of men I attract. This feedback came from a dear friend, and since I agree, I couldn’t be angry.

Having been in therapy for several months, working actively on myself, I shared this with my new therapist without much thought. I told her, “I don’t sense if people are good or bad. I never have. I don’t get that tingly feeling that tells you to stay away from certain people. I love my parents, but sometimes I wonder if they allowed me to live in my own bubble too much as a kid because I never learned how to know someone is bad.”

Knowing about my ADHD diagnosis and my daughter’s autism, she looked at me and tilted her head. “So do you think you might be Au…” she began. “I don’t want to know!” I blurted out, interrupting her. For the first time in nearly an hour of being open and honest, I was like, “Nope. Fingers in the ears. Don’t want to hear it.”

As a mother who has spent the last few years telling her daughter that autism isn’t a disability but a special trait, reminding her that many amazing inventors and entrepreneurs are on the spectrum, I find it hard to admit and accept this for myself.

Reflecting on my life, I realize I’ve spent it with undiagnosed ADHD, and now possibly autism. I had to quit my job, move home, and give up everything. When I thought things would get easier, they didn’t. My life crashed and burned, and there was nothing I could do.

Financially, I was finally in a good position. I had recovered after a divorce that left me broke and had bought a house the previous year. I had money to renovate and spend on my girls. I always had money in the bank in those days, and it felt good. I was in control.

Those days… it was two years ago, but it feels like a lifetime.

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was groomed and raped as a teenager. I have been treated poorly by the system. Looking back, nothing can seriously keep me down. Being a teenage mum taught me that no matter what, I had to survive. 

So today, with everything that has happened in my life already, why am I feeling… blank? 

Maybe it’s because acknowledging my own neurodiversity feels like opening a door to a part of myself that I’ve kept hidden for so long. It’s scary and overwhelming, but it’s also a step towards understanding and accepting myself fully.

And that’s what I wanted to share with you today. It’s not just about surviving the hardships but also about embracing who I am, flaws and all. I need to start giving myself the same love and forgiveness I show others. It’s about acknowledging that it’s okay to feel blank sometimes, as long as I keep moving forward, learning, and growing.